Love Eliminates Fear

Where to start? At the end of your first week at the MTC, you feel as though you've been here for months. At the end of your second, it feels like it's been a day. It is quite the phenomenon, but every missionary experiences it. My love for my district continues to grow. We got a new batch of missionaries on Wednesday and they all kept saying, "I can't believe you guys have only known each other for week!" It really is remarkable how close we've gotten. The hardest thing in the world is not being able to hug all the elders. Which sounds bad, but if one of your new best friends just committed an investigator to baptism, you'd wanna hug him too! But, life goes on. The first time our district had personal exercise time all together, I challenged everyone to a wall-sit contest. And guess who won? This girl. That's right. The MTC's been good to me hahah.

I want to take a moment and talk about Elder S and Elder V again. I don't know if I mentioned this last time, but they are our new Zone Leaders, and they could not be any sweeter. I have never seen love like those two share. I'm serious. I don't know what they're going to do apart, but their companionship is a better love story than... anything. LOVE, ladies and gentlemen, true love.

Once again, I am the mama bear. I comfort girls who are crying their eyes out, fold down elder’s collars, make sure we're all on time, and make sure the Elders eat their veggies. Somebody has to. Elder V drinks 3 separate glasses of chocolate milk with each meal, for crying out loud. With that being said, I think the most difficult thing that I've been facing at the MTC is my need for control. In all aspects. The thing is, when it comes to working with/for the Lord, you have no control. He has all the control. And I'm trying to remember that/get better at accepting that every day. He's the boss, not me. As a missionary (and in life in general), I am to turn to the Lord first. Pray first. Ask Him first. Do nothing without first consulting Him. And it's difficult, but we all have areas in which we can improve.

I am one tired bugger. The MTC has been amazing experience, and absolutely emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. But so worth it. Sunday was probably the busiest Sunday of my life. Sacrament meeting was at 7:30 (no more complaining about 9:00 AM church ever again!), and we were able to watch “Music and the Spoken Word” (a Mormon Tabernacle Choir broadcast), and have Relief Society with every sister missionary on campus. The caliber of speakers that we are privileged to hear from at the MTC is out of this world. The Sunday night devotional featured Sister Mary Ellen Edmunds, an absolute hoot of a woman. She made me laugh so hard, my sides hurt, and cry until my eyes hurt. It was wonderful. And sitting in one auditorium with all those missionaries? There is not another feeling like it. It is impossible not to feel overwhelmed by a sense of hope when sitting in that company. The movie we watched that night was entitled "The Character of Christ". It was actually a taped MTC devotional given by David A. Bednar. I highly recommend it. If you can find it somehow. 

Monday was probably my most difficult day at the MTC. I was feeling mighty discouraged after hearing everyone's amazing experiences with their new TRC (teacher resource center) investigators. Especially since our lesson was just okay. I talked too much, thought too critically, and didn't teach with the spirit. And I was very upset with myself. Because I did everything that I knew I wasn't supposed to do. When we got back to our room, I talked to one of the sisters in our district who is going through some insecurities/doubts with her testimony, and I was able to share my "why I'm on a mission story", and I felt a lot better. Helping people helps me.

This week, I learned how to actually read the Book of Mormon (I've been doing it wrong my whole life). And this is probably going to sound silly, and you're going to think really? Really? That is the most obvious thing to do in the entire world, but it changed my perspective. So, here it goes. One of our angels, I mean teachers, Sis Card, had us write down questions that we wanted answers to. Questions for God. And one of mine was, "Why can't I feel the spirit more? Why can't I really hear you?" We then, slowly, and carefully, began reading from 3 Nephi 11, and straight up revelation occurred, people. From Nephi 11:4-7, I learned that maybe when I think that He's not speaking, He's already spoken 2 or even 3 times, and my ears were just not open. It was such a simple, but beautiful, example of one the most basic principles that we are teaching our investigators. That they will receive direct answers to their prayers by reading the Book of Mormon. We also had another scripture reading experience in the late afternoon, where I was in charge of leading the group/asking thought-provoking questions, and that was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced. We were just reading in 1 Nephi Chapter 1, and even though we only got through 16 verses, the insight and revelations we received were incredible. During the discussion, I made the comment that because God is perfect, His every action is perfect. Therefore, every single thing He does has purpose. God has no "throw-away" moments. Can you imagine how we would be different if we, as humans, had no more throw-away moments? Brings a whole new level of understanding to work and using our time wisely. It truly is a holy principle. And our goal is to become like Him. Good stuff man. I love this gospel. God never wastes time, why should we?

One of my favorite experiences at the MTC occurred on Tuesday, when I performed in the choir for the Tuesday night devotional. Singing in a choir with hundreds of other missionaries, singing about Christ? Heaven.

And remember how downtrodden I was on Monday about our new investigator's appointment? Well on Wednesday, we had a complete 180. Sister Kendall and I had the most wonderful lesson with Melissa. And I mean, THE MOST WONDERFUL. It could not have gone any better. That morning, I was in the shower, and I wasn't even thinking about Melissa and then all of a sudden, I had a thought that we need to ask Melissa about her relationship with Christ, and teach her about the plan of salvation. And, oh boy, did that work out. The entire lesson was an open dialogue inspired by Heavenly Father. Every question she had led directly to our next topic perfectly, and those questions were deep and pertinent. And the answers and analogies I gave? They were not from my brain, I can tell guarantee that. She kept saying, "Wow, that's amazing", and "That makes so much sense!" It was amazing. After the lesson, much heel-clicking and hugging ensued between Sis Kendall and I. I cannot even begin to imagine how much joy I will feel when I am teaching a real investigator.

Some final, scattered, random thoughts: Love eliminates fear, the two cannot exist at the same time.

And miracles are the natural result of the correct application of true principles. (D&C 130:20-21)

How awesome is that last one? Awesome.

Thank you for the packages/letters this last week. I love you all. 

Sister Szilagyi 

A Single Purpose

Sister Natasha Szilagyi's first email from the MTC! Names have been abbreviated for privacy:

Hello all! It has officially been a whopping 2 and a half days at the MTC (Missionary Training Center). My first day, so many missionaries kept asking me if I was tired and I had no idea what they were talking about. Today, I know. This short period of time has felt like a week. But my time here so far has been remarkable. My companion is Sister Shannon Kendall. She is a funny, spunky girl from Gilbert, Arizona. We have 9 people in our district and 18 in our zone. And we are all going to Macon, Georgia. Just in case you guys don't know how much of a big deal that is, well... it is. It hardly ever happens. But we're special. I already absolutely love them all. I didn't realize that it was humanly possible to love people so quickly. The MTC is truly sacred ground. Oh, and everyone in my district is musical. Sis Kendall plays the piano, flute, and piccolo. Before we leave, my district is going to perform a musical number, I will make sure of it. 

People I now love: Sis O. She's is from Ghana and absolutely hilarious. Her laugh is infectious and she truly shines with the light of Christ. When she speaks about the gospel, it sounds like scripture. We sing together all the time. Our most difficult thing at the MTC is not singing every song that comes into our heads whenever someone speaks. It is very difficult to control ourselves, so we just give each other a look, and we both know. Her father was one of the first Mormon missionaries in Africa. Oh and she's wonderfully sassy and sarcastic. Did I mention we get along well? Sis W. She's 23 and was my very first friend at the MTC. She's wonderfully sweet and silly and is from Utah. Elder V. He is the biggest hambone + teddy bear in the world. I mean, truly hilarious. He's 18 and a goofball, but I've already seen him cry multiple times here. Many elders cry here. It's a marvelous thing. His companion is Elder S. He is also 18, fresh outta high school and as he likes to say, "used to be a bit of a punk, because I thought being angry was cool". But he is an absolute sweetheart, a true gentleman. And those two lovely Elders are our new Zone Leaders. When it was announced, the look of shock on both their faces was priceless. Elder H is a total hipster from Tampa, Florida, but tries his best to control himself. And a musical theater major at BYU. Oh, and he's a 6'4" bean pole with an angelic tenor voice. Elder C is his companion, a soft-spoken, nerdy type from Montana with a sweet spirit. Wonderful people all around. I am so blessed.

My favorite part of the MTC so far is the singing. I am in Heaven. Or at least, I hope Heaven is like this. At our first devotional, the girl sitting next to me said I had a beautiful voice and I almost shed a tear because she had one of the most wonderful voices I'd ever heard. There. Are. So. Many. Mormons. Here. I don't know if you guys were aware, but missionaries are Mormon and there are a lot of those guys walking around, and I'm just not used to that. But I'm trying to adjust. On a serious note, the fact that we're all here with a single purpose is like nothing I've ever felt.

A brief interruption: I knew that people were going to have a hard time with my last name. But it's hard to make friends at the MTC when everyone looks at your name tag with fear/confusion on their face. Tis a struggle.

Yesterday, the other sisters and I decided that our theme for the day was "small and simple" things. These girls are angels. Their sweet spirits and laughter keep me buoyed. We participated in a workshop entitled: "People and Your Purpose". We were able to watching short videos of nonmembers from New York who were all inspiring and Christ-like. We are here to teach people, not lessons. And when we, as missionaries, knock on someone's door, that is not the first instance of God entering their life. I am continuously reminded of the good of so many children of God around the world, no matter what their religion. It fills me with hope. And just as our experiences of gaining testimonies and conversion were made up of just that, experiences, so too must be the experience of the investigator. "Everything in the conversion process must happen to you before it happens to them." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. If a professor was teaching me science and had never completed an experience of his own, I would not trust a word he said.

I have already experienced so many small, tender acts of mercy. I know that God knows me and loves me. He has paired me with Sister Kendall for a reason, and I can't wait for what we will accomplish together.

All I want is for people to feel the love and peace that only the Savior can bring. It is like no other feeling on this earth. His way is the only way. I am a missionary. I know it. I live it. I love it.

And remember: the prize is worth the price.

Farewell Talk

Here is the talk that Sister Szilagyi gave on Nov. 10th for her Missionary Farewell:

Good morning everyone. I’ve given quite a few talks from this pulpit, but this is one talk that I have been greatly anticipating for some time.

Our theme for today is faith.

The main obstacle that I faced when writing my talk for today was condensing my thoughts into a few short minutes. If it takes a lifetime to understand and build your individual faith, giving someone 12 minutes to talk about it seems a bit unfair, but I will do my best.

Today I am going to give you a step by step guide for how to attain your own individual faith. 5 easy steps. Everyone have their pencils ready?  Step 1 is: There isn’t a step by step guide of how to find faith. Wouldn’t that be nice? Steps 1-5 and then you have it all figured out. No need for doubt, discouragement or confusion. But I can’t give that to you. In the church, we are given many tips on how to strengthen and nurture faith (and you have all heard them a hundred times: read your scriptures, go to church, pray, serve others…), and we sometimes assume that that is it. Once we complete this list, we will find faith. And if that doesn’t happen, we did something wrong. Or that there is something wrong with us. As a child growing up in this church, I heard “Sunday school” answers every Sunday. And I did those things. I followed the rules. But something was missing. No one had really addressed the fact that even if you do all those wonderful things that you had been told your entire life, and they are wonderful, sometimes you can still feel lost. Or confused. Or alone. Or doubtful.

Now some of you may be a little confused. You may be thinking, well, it sounds like you didn’t have a lot of confidence in your faith Natasha and now you are leaving on a mission to teach people about finding faith for 18 months… that doesn’t really add up.  I can understand your confusion. But hopefully over the next few minutes, I can make things a little more clear.

I cannot give you step by step guide for you to find your faith. Faith is an extremely personal thing. It is something that we talk about openly, all the time, but when it comes down to it, your faith is yours. And that is precisely why I can’t tell you how to exactly find yours, but I CAN tell you a few things that really helped me to find mine.

Let’s begin with the idea of doubt. We have all had doubt at one time or another in our lives. For some of us, it is fleeting, for others, consuming. I want to make something very clear. Having doubt is not wrong, doing nothing about it is. Our church was restored by a boy who had some very important questions, who had doubt. However, Joseph Smith did not sit in his room and stew about how his parents didn’t have all of the answers, or that multiple people were telling him multiple things. He did something about it. He used his resources. He read and searched his Bible and came upon the verse James 1:5: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” And then Joseph prayed.

In my search for personal faith, I had many questions. I had topics that I didn’t feel comfortable discussing with friends. I had issues that had to do with doctrine and church history that just didn’t sit right with me. So I wrote down my questions. And for every question, I used my resources. I used the Bible Dictionary and Topical Guide and looked up scriptures about every subject. I went to church teachers and people that I trusted and asked for their assistance. I went on LDS.org and researched every topic that I had a question about and read what the leaders of our church had said on the matter. I looked up general conference talks, devotionals, any material that I could find from gospel sources, until I found an answer that made sense to ME. And then I would move on to my next question. I have found an answer to every question I have ever had. As President Uchtdorf so beautifully stated in this last general conference, “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.” Doubt is not wrong, doing nothing about that doubt is.

Now, we have established that it is okay to have doubts, but what are we to do about finding or strengthening our faith? That brings us to action. Faith is not passive. Faith is about movement, about aid, about change, about action. Miracles are performed using faith, we walk by faith, we fight the good fight of faith… All of these phrases inspire or promote action. As James 2:22 reads: “Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect?”

It was never intended for us to sit and hope that faith finds us. If I find my faith wavering, or if I am having doubts, I act. And if you have never had the experience of feeling overcome with faith through action, do not give up. Try something new. A different activity, a different act of service. As President Uchtdorf has said, “Believing in God is commendable, but most people want to do more than listen to inspirational sermons or dream of their mansions above. They want to put their faith into practice. They want to roll up their sleeves and become engaged in this great cause.”  When you push yourself in service, sometimes you force yourself to rely on a higher being or on others that the Lord has put in your path. You unintentionally create opportunities to gain faith. Putting ourselves in situations of service allows for us to not only receive the blessings that come from it, but to experience these faith-promoting events. 

When I moved away from home for my first year of college, I felt as though my faith began to weaken. I tried to put my finger on why I was feeling the way I was, and I finally realized that I was not serving. I had not recognized that by being an active Mormon youth, I had been willingly serving my community and my fellow man for the majority of my life. Whether it had been through youth activities, like planting trees or cleaning parks, baking cookies and visiting a friend in need, or serving as a secretary or first counselor in young women’s; I had been surrounded by opportunities to serve. When I came to this conclusion, I vowed to become more involved. I began volunteering in local schools because I knew that I loved being around children, and I eventually served on the Institute Council in Bellingham, which proved to be extremely rewarding. But I had to LOOK for these opportunities to serve. They did not just appear in my lap. I had to act.

So, how do you know if this faith you have or are experiencing is real? The answer is not going to be the same for everyone, but for me, that answer was found in one simple word: peace. We live in a noisy world. One that is filled with headlines telling us how to be happiest and what gadget will bring us the most joy. We are indoctrinated to never settle, never back down, and never be content. There is always something better, brighter, shinier, newer…  that will make us more happy than we were before. We can’t eat dinner without the tv on, we can’t study without our headphones in, we can’t sit wait in line without checking our facebook. We are terrified of quiet.

In the Topical Guide under the word peace, it says: see also: silence. Some of us, even if we make the effort to turn off the devices, we take a moment to breathe, or we lay down in our beds at night, we still cannot find silence. Our minds continue to whir, sometimes even louder than that tv set or that last song. And we cannot find peace.

As human beings we trick those around us every day. “How are you?” “Great!” You do not feel even remotely great. “You’re always smiling!” Inside, I’m really not. Or we even trick ourselves. Tricking our minds to feel happy while watching a movie or scared from hearing a scary story. In my life, I feel like I’ve been a pretty good actor. I’ve made people believe that I’m happy when I wasn’t. And I’m particularly good at tricking myself. “You’re fine, you can start that paper in another hour.”

I can fake many emotions. But there is one emotion that I cannot fake. That is peace. And there is a reason why I know I cannot fake it. If I could fake peace, I would have done that a long time ago.

There is someone who goes by many names: Redeemer, the son of God, the Prince of Peace. Christ brings me peace. He brings me peace through reading about His life and His ministry. He brings me peace when I am forgiven from the sin that he, himself, atoned for. He brings me peace when I am following His teachings and example by serving others, by taking the sacrament, and by singing hymns in His praise. Mark 4:39 reads: “And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” If Christ could bring peace to the sea, don’t you think that he could bring peace to one of his brothers or sisters that he sacrificed his life for? He can. And He does.

I am a chronic doubter. I would more often like to sit and think, rather than go out and act. And finding peace has never been easy for me. And yet today, I can stand before you and say, without a shadow of doubt, that I know that this gospel is true. I know it is true and good because I could not accomplish all of the things that I have mentioned today without my Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. And that is the amazing thing about faith. It is your journey. It is your experience. And it should be just that: yours.

In the words of Richard C. Edgley: “Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.”

I am choosing to spend the next 18 months of my life dedicated to helping others on their individual paths to find faith. I know that the Lord can change lives, because He has changed mine. I know that the Lord can change minds, because He has changed mine. And I know that the Lord can change hearts, because above all else, He has changed mine.

I know that we have a father in Heaven who loves us beyond anything any of us could possibly comprehend. I know that He has restored His gospel to the earth today in order to give us all the chance to live the happiest, most fulfilling lives that we can. I love the Lord and I love His teachings. And for this knowledge I am eternally grateful. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

MTC

On November 13th, Sister Natasha Szilagyi entered the MTC (Missionary Training Center) to prepare to serve in the Georgia Macon mission!

Cindy (aunt), Natasha, and Malachi (cousin)

Sophie (sister) and Natasha

Chuck (uncle), Cathy (aunt), and Natasha